Disclaimer – this page isn’t really “about me”. You won’t find my favorite tv show or a list of my hobbies. This “about me” is who I was before my mom’s stroke and how it changed me. But if you are really interested, I love watching Friends and I like to drink wine – LOL!! (Which are two things I have stories of from my journey that you’ll eventually see)
Who I was then . . . . . .
August 8, 2010 will forever be etched in my memory as the day that turned my life UPSIDE DOWN and changed me forever. I have a picture on my desk of me and my boys, then 7 and 3 years old when we were on vacation days before my moms stroke happened. It recently occurred to me that may be the last time I was truly happy, the kind of carefree happy you have when your mom is still alive.
My husband and I both worked full time jobs. Side note, I worked to pay the bills, not because I am corporate career woman. Truth is, I carried guilt from the day each of our boys were born that I could not stay home to raise them when they were younger.
The boys went to daycare two days a week and my mother in laws one day a week. The other two days my mom watched our younger son at our house and got our 7 year old off the bus. She stayed at our house from Sunday night until Tuesday evening because she never drove. She would cook dinner for us on Monday and we would all eat together. On Tuesday, she’d make dinner for us to have even though she was going back to her house. Pretty sure she cooked most of Sundays meals too. She also did laundry, and kept the house cleaned up. We didn’t ask her to do all this, that is just what moms do and she new how I struggled with not being able to be home with the boys so she was trying to give me more time with them by helping out.
Then, she came home from church one Sunday and everything changed. I got a call from her neighbor about what happened and honestly I couldn’t even grasp what she was saying. When I realized what she was trying to tell me, I turned into a crazy person. My husband was out mowing our 5 acres and I remember chasing after the tractor screaming at him that I had to leave and why.
I don’t even know how to describe the days, weeks, and months that followed. While my husband did everything he could to help, when it came to all the decisions that needed to be made for my mom, I was kinda on my own. My dad passed away in 1997, my only sibling – a brother – lived out of town, and my mom’s only immediate family still living was my aunt, who “couldn’t deal with the situation.” Every day I was juggling kids, a job, my mom, and well my poor husband got the least of my attention. Not that it was fair to him, but the kids were little, I had to go to work, and well, I was obsessed with what to do with my mom. It was so frustrating to know that none of them were getting all of me or even a decent portion of me. And this spoiled girl whose mom did so much for now had added responsibilities on top of everything else. You would think it would all be a blur, but sadly the whole ordeal has never left me.
Who I am now . . . . . . . . .
The little 7 year old and 3 year old now tower over me. My husband and I are blessed that they still live at home (although we see very little of them). Our oldest just graduated from college and the youngest just started. We may be the busiest empty nesters that ever existed. Still taking care of our kids – but not reaping the benefits of hanging with them – LOL. And we both still work full time – college is not cheap and both boys played travel hockey for a total of 15 years (when you do the math on what you would save there – well we’d be bazillionaires).
Since “the stroke”, we not only lost my mom, but both of my in-laws too (stories you’ll see throughout my posts). It is so unnerving to be “orphans”. But along the way, as we got involved with hockey and through that, we made lifetime friends that are now our family.
So much changed over the last 15 years. Some for the better, some for the worse. The biggest change for me is my spiritual journey. My mother in law was so dedicated to Christ and after she passed away I really wanted to follow in her footsteps. While I have gotten pretty good at reading the bible every (most) days and praying, my biggest challenge is sharing God’s word with others. So, as I go through my journey, I will add, as best as I can, bible verses that I wish I knew about 15 years ago to make the challenges I faced not seem as crushing. No doubt it was God that got me through all that, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I promise he is there by your side too.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Isaiah 41:10